Category Archives: Humor in English

Israel and the bakery

A Jew walks into the bakery and orders a bagel. The man behind the counter
says: “A bagel? That’s 20 dollars.” “20 dollars?! Are you mad!?” “Well, its
1 dollar for the bagel, and 19 dollars for Israel.” “Fine. Money for Israel?
How can I say no?”

The next day the same guy comes in to the bakery, and orders a challah. The
man behind the counter says: “Challah? That’s 40 dollars.” “Are you
insane?!” “Sir, its 5 dollars for the challah and 35 dollars for Israel.”
The man shrugs his shoulders but he pays the money.*

The third day, he comes in and orders a cheesecake. “Cheesecake? 70
dollars.” “What?! This is absolutely crazy.” “Sir, 10 dollars for the
cheesecake, and 60 dollars for Israel.” At this point he had had enough.
“You are completely mad! This is absolutely absurd and unethical.”

“Sorry sir, I am just following the rules.” “I demand to speak to the owner
of the store!”

So the clerk goes to the door and calls out: “Hey Israel! Someone wants to
talk to you!”
(Source: Kehillat Shomre Hadas Antwerpen – From The Rabbi’s Desk, 5 December 2014)

The Rabbi’s hat and the racetrack

A rabbi was walking down the street when, suddenly, a strong gust of wind blew his hat off his head. The rabbi ran after his hat but the wind was so strong it kept blowing his hat farther and farther away. He just couldn’t catch up with it.

A young gentile man, witnessing this event and being more fit than the rabbi, ran after the hat and caught it. The young gentile man handed the hat over to the rabbi. The rabbi was so pleased and grateful that he gave the man twenty dollars, put his hand on the man’s head and
blessed him. The young man was very excited about both the tip and the blessing.

The young gentile decided to take his new found wealth to the racetrack. He bet the entire $20 on the first race that he could.

After the races the young man returned home and recounted his very exciting day at the races to his father.

“I arrived at the fifth race,” said the young man.
“I looked at the racing program and saw a horse by the name of Top Hat was running. The odds on this horse were 100-to-1. It was the longest shot in the field.”

“After saving the rabbi’s hat, having received the rabbi’s blessing, gotten the $20, and seeing Top Hat in the fifth race, I thought this was a message from God. So, I bet the entire 20 dollars on Top Hat, and an amazing thing happened. The horse that was the longest shot and who did not have the slightest chance to even show, came in first by 5 lengths.”

“You must have made a fortune,” said the father.

“Well yes, $2000. But wait, it gets better,” replied the son.

“In the following race, a horse by the name of Stetson was running. The odds on the horse were 30 to 1. Stetson being some kind of hat and again thinking of the rabbi’s blessing and his hat, I decided to bet all my winnings on this horse.”

“What happened?” asked the excited father.

“Stetson came in like a rocket. Now I had $60,000!”

“Are you telling me you brought home all this money?”
asked his excited father.

“No,” said the son.

“I lost it all on the next race. There was a horse in this race named Chateau, which is French for hat. So I decided to bet all the money on Chateau, but the horse broke down and came in last.”

“Hat in French is “Chapeau” not “Chateau” you moron,” said the father. “You lost all of the money because of your ignorance. Tell me, what horse won the race?”

The son answered, “A long shot from Japan named Yarmalka.
I don’t get it…

Reluctant to Attend the Synagogue

On the morning of Rosh Hashanah, Rivka went into the bedroom to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready to go to shul, to which he replied in a dull voice,

‘I’m not going.’

‘Why not?’ Rivka demanded.

‘l’ll give you two good reasons Mother,’ he said. ‘One, they don’t like me, and two, I don’t like them.’

Rivaka replied in an exasperated voice, ‘I’ll give you two good reasons why you must go to the synagogue. ‘One, you’re 54 years old, and two, you’re the Rabbi.’

(Source: The European Synagogue Ohel Eliezer, www.theshul.eu – Weekly E-letter, Vol.VI No.49 – | Elul 24, 5773 / August 30, 2013)

Restless Sleep

Morris went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got real trouble. Every time I get into bed, I get his weird feeling that there’s somebody under it. I look under the bed, to check it out, but then I think there’s somebody on top of it. I go back and forth, all night long, on top, under, on top, under… You gotta help me, Doc, I’m going crazy!”
“Just put yourself in my hands for few years,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.” “How much do you charge?” “A hundred dollars per visit.” “I’ll think about it,” said Morris. Six months later the doctor met Morris on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist. “For a hundred bucks a visit? My teenage son cured me for free.” “Is that so! How did he do that?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”
(Source: The European Synagogue Ohel Eliezer, www.theshul.eu – Weekly E-letter, Vol.VI No.42 – | Av 5, 5773 / July 12th, 2013)

The nutty soldier

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving strangely. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier examined.
The doctor concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.” .
(Source: The European Synagogue Ohel Eliezer, www.theshul.eu – Weekly E-letter, Vol.VI No.38 – | Tamuz 7, 5773 / June 14, 2013)

Economic Recession

Marty Barris, talented trumpeter-funnyman, made this astute observation about an economic recession:
“The price of food is going out of sight. My supermarket is turning into a temple. I see people walking up and down the ailes shouting, ‘Oh, my
G-d!'”
(Source: The European Synagogue Ohel Eliezer, www.theshul.eu – Weekly E-letter, Vol.VI No.33 – | Sivan 1, 5773 / May 10, 2013)

The World Famous story of Purim

(by Meish Goldish)
The story of Purim is an international tale.

King Achashverosh was Finnish with his disobedient wife Vashti.
” You Congo now!” he ordered her. After she had Ghana way, the king’s messengers went Roman the land to find a new queen.
Iran around all over and India end, the beautiful Esther won the crown.

Meanwhile, Mordechai sat outside the palace, where the Chile Haman would Czech up on him daily.

“I Haiti you because you refuse to bow to me!” Haman scolded Mordechai.
” USA very stubborn man. You Jews are such Bahamas! If you keep this up, Denmark my words! I will have all your people killed!
Just Kuwait and see, you Turkey! ”

Mordechai went into mourning and tore his clothes–a custom known as Korea.
He urged Esther to plead with the king.
The Jews fasted for three days and grew very Hungary.
Esther approached the king and asked, ‘Kenya Belize come to a banquet I’ve prepared for you and Haman?”
At the feast, she invited her guests to a second banquet to eat Samoa.

The king asked, “Esther, why Jamaica big meal like this? Just tell me what you want. Up to half my United Kingdom will I give you.”
Esther replied, “Spain full for me to say this, but Haman is Russian to kill my people.”

Haman’s loud Wales could be heard as he carried Honduran this scene.
” Oman!” Haman cried bitterly. “Iraq my brains in an effort to destroy the Jews.
But that sneaky Mordechai – Egypt me! ”

Haman and his ten sons were hanged and went immediately to the Netherlands.
And to Sweden the deal, the Jews were allowed to Polish off the rest of their foes as well.
” You lost your enemies and Uganda friend,” the king smiled.

And that is why the Purim story Israeli a miracle. G-d decided to China light on His chosen people.

So now, let’s celebrate! Forget all your Syria’s business and just be happy! Serb up some wine and Taiwan on! Happy Purim!!!

The Cantor’s Voice

A cantor brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice: “Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000.” There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room.
Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, “So Nu, what did you do with the money?
(Source: The European Synagogue Ohel Eliezer, www.theshul.eu – Weekly E-letter, Vol.VI No.21 – Shevat 28, 5773 / Febuary 8, 2013)

An old Jewish man and a young Jewish man are traveling on the train

An old Jewish man and a young Jewish man are traveling on the train. The young man asks: “Excuse me, what time is it?” The old man does not answer.
“Excuse me, sir, what time is it?” The old man keeps silent.
“Sir, I’m asking you what time is it. Why don’t you answer?!”
The old man says: “Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don’t know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, I’ll have to invite you to my home. You’re handsome, and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you will want to get married. Tell me, why would I need a son-in-law who can’t even afford a watch?”
(Source: The European Synagogue Ohel Eliezer, www.theshul.eu – Weekly E-letter, Vol.VI No.17 – Tevet 29, 5773 / January. 11, 2013)

In the hospital ward

Ben was in a hospital ward with two non-Jews. On his first morning, Ben puts on his tefillin, but the non-Jews can’t figure out what he is doing. Finally, one says to the other, “Look how smart those Jews are! He’s taking his own blood pressure.
(Source: The European synagogue Ohel Eliezer, www.theshul.eu – Weekly E-letter, Vol.VI No.11 – Kislev 16, 5773 / November 30, 2012)