Category Archives: Humor in English

The prayer

A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, “So, you tell me that your mother says your prayers for you each night. That’s very commendable. What does she actually say?”
The little boy replied, “Thank G-d he’s in bed!”
(Source: The European synagogue Ohel Eliezer, www.theshul.eu – Weekly E-letter, Vol.VI No.11 – Kislev 16, 5773 / November 30, 2012)

Whose land is it?

Rabbi Meir Simcha Hacohen, the rav of the Latvian city of Dvinsk in the last century, and the author of the “Ohr Somayach” (for whom Yeshivat Ohr Somayach is named), was famous for the brilliance and sensitivity that made him such an outstanding judge and arbitrator.

Two men once came before him to resolve a dispute between them over ownership of a certain property. When his efforts for reaching a compromise failed, the rav told the litigants that they must join him in a visit to the disputed land.

He there placed his ear to the ground and then turned to the two claimants to inform them as to what he heard the land say:

“Each of these men says I belong to him but the truth is that both of them will belong to me.”

This shocking reminder of mortality moved the two to reach the compromise suggested by the rav.
(source: The Ohr Somayach torah Magazine On The Internet • Ohrnet – www.OHR.Edu, Shabbat Parshat Nitzavim • 28 Elul 5772 – Sep. 15, 2012 • vOl. 19 NO. 48)

Old-Fashioned diplomacy

“Why is there no dome atop your synagogue as there are on the synagogues in my empire?”

This was the question put to his Jewish escorts back in 1870 by Franz Joseph, Emperor of Austro-Hungary during a visit to Jerusalem. This European ruler, respected for his benevolent policy towards his Jewish subjects, was being shown the yet unfinished Nissan Beck Synagogue by some of those subjects now living in Jerusalem.

“Your highness,” one of them diplomatically explained, “even the synagogue wishes to pay tribute to you by removing its hat!”
(source: The Ohr Somayach torah Magazine On The Internet • Ohrnet – www.OHR.Edu, Shabbat Parshat Nitzavim • 28 Elul 5772 – Sep. 15, 2012 • vOl. 19 NO. 48)

A new school inspector and the walls of Jericho

A new school inspector is assigned to the grade 4 class in one of the local schools in Soweto.

He is introduced to the class by the teacher, Miss Wesizwe.

She says to the class: “Let’s show the inspector just how clever you are by allowing him to ask you a question.”

The inspector decides to ask a biblical question.

He asks: “Class, who broke down the walls of Jericho?”

For a full minute there is absolute silence. The children all just stare at him blankly.

Eventually Sipho raises his hand. The Inspector points excitedly to him.

Sipho stands up and says: “Sir, I don’t know who broke down the walls of Jericho, but I am innocent.”

The inspector looks at the teacher for an explanation. She says: Well, I’ve known Sipho since the beginning of the year and I believe that if he says that he didn’t do it, then he didn’t do it.”

The inspector is shocked at the level of ignorance and storms down to the principal’s office and tells him what happened.

The principal replies: “Look I don’t know the boy, but I socialise every now and then with his teacher and I believe her. If she feels that the boy was not involved, then he must be innocent.”

The inspector can’t believe what he is hearing. He grabs the phone on the principal’s desk and dials the Minister of Education. He relates the entire episode and asks her what she thinks of the education standard in the school.

The Minister sighs heavily and replies: “Eish wena. You know I am very busy. I don’t know the boy, the teacher or the principal. Just get three quotes and have the wall fixed by my brother.”

The Goldberg Brothers – The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner

Here’s a little factoid for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends..

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford’s office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, ‘The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,’ on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti – Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg’s name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show — Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max — on the controls.

I can hear your groans from here. Control yourself!!! A buddy sent me this, and I was sucked in, too! Just forward it.

You don’t want to become a rabbi

A boy decided that he wanted to become a rabbi when he grew up, so his father suggested that he go to speak to their shul rabbi to find out what the job entailed.

“Ask me any question about the rabbinate and I’ll give you the answer,” declared the rabbi when the boy went to meet him.

“Well, besides giving a sermon for about fifteen minutes on Shabbat morning, what else do you do all week?” the boy asked.

“You don’t want to become a rabbi,” thundered the rabbi. With questions like that you want to become the shul president!”

What happens when a fly falls into a coffee cup?

*The Englishman*:
Throws away the cup of coffee and walks away.

*The American*:
Takes out the fly and drinks the coffee.

*The Chinese*:
Eats the fly and throws away the coffee.

* The Japanese*:
Drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra.

*The Israeli*:
Sells the coffee to the American, the fly to the Chinese, and buys himself a new cup of coffee.

*The Palestinian*:
Blames the Israeli for the violent act of putting the fly in his coffee; asks the UN for aid, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee; uses the money to purchase explosives, then blows up the coffee house, where: the Englishman, the American, the Chinese, and the Japanese are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he was too aggressive.

I’m already in the Army

A friend was in front of me coming out of Shul one day, and the Rabbi was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Rabbi said to him, “You need to join the Army of G.d!”
My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of G.d, Rabbi.”
The Rabbi questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Yom Kippur and Yizkor?”
He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”