Tag Archives: yiddish humor

Reluctant to Attend the Synagogue

On the morning of Rosh Hashanah, Rivka went into the bedroom to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready to go to shul, to which he replied in a dull voice,

‘I’m not going.’

‘Why not?’ Rivka demanded.

‘l’ll give you two good reasons Mother,’ he said. ‘One, they don’t like me, and two, I don’t like them.’

Rivaka replied in an exasperated voice, ‘I’ll give you two good reasons why you must go to the synagogue. ‘One, you’re 54 years old, and two, you’re the Rabbi.’

(Source: The European Synagogue Ohel Eliezer, www.theshul.eu – Weekly E-letter, Vol.VI No.49 – | Elul 24, 5773 / August 30, 2013)

It’s a pleasure to read all this!

Moshe was riding on the subway reading a neo-Nazi newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader and demanded an explanation I used to read the Jewish newspaper, Moshe replied, ‘but what did I find? Jews are being persecuted,
Israel is being attacked, Jews are disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, and Jews are living in poverty. So I switched to this newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better It’s a pleasure to read all this!”

Oy

Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow ‘Oy.’ The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow ‘Oy.’ The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, ‘Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren’t going to talk about our children’

I should be facing the same direction as the train is moving

A Yekke – an uptight Jew of German descent – decides to take the train from
Tel Aviv to Jerusalem. He books his trip weeks in advance and tells the
travel agent, “There’s only one thing I care about. I should be facing the
same direction as the train is moving.”

On the day of the trip, he arrives at the station an hour before departure.
But when he boards the train, he is dismayed to find that his seat is facing

in the wrong direction – toward the back of the train.

As soon as he gets to Jerusalem, he calls his travel agent to complain. The
agent apologizes several times, and says, “Why didn’t you ask the person
sitting opposite you if he’d be willing to switch seats?”

“I would have,” said the Yekke, “but I was out of luck. The seat opposite
mine was empty.”

Sir, I appreciate your business

A little old Jewish lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel.

And this went on for more then 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day, as the young man passed the old lady’s stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him.

“Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has gone up to 35 cents.”

Little Jonah sobbed all the way home

After the circumcising of his baby brother in shul, little Jonah sobbed
all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three
times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied,

“That rabbi said he wanted us brought up in A Jewish home and I want to stay with you guys!”

She hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months

Two middle aged men in chavrusah were out at the Bais Medrash learning. Things got a little quiet for a moment while Shmiel was looking into a Rashi when Moshe looked up at Shmiel and says,

“I think I’m going to divorce my wife. She hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months.”

Shmiel continues looking into the Gemara, and then thoughtfully whispers to Moshe,

“You better think it over for a little bit. Women like that are very hard to find.”

We’re still too heavy

The plane was encountering severe problems on a transatlantic flight.
Then it got really rough. Finally the pilot – a “good ‘ol southern boy” announced in a pronounced drawl:

“Folks… y’all can tell we’re havin’ trouble. We can’t maintain altitude. So throw the entire luggage off the plane, we’ll lighten the load and get outta this mess.”

The luggage went out but it wasn’t much better. The pilot then announced:

“We’re in real trouble here. We’re still too heavy. We’re gonna have to lose a few people to save all of the rest of us. The only thing I can think of is to do this in alphabetical order.
So here goes, starting with ‘A’.”
“Will all the African-Americans please stand up.”

Nobody moved.

“Will all the Blacks please stand up.”

Still nobody moved.

“Will all the Colored’s please stand up.”

Again, nobody moved.
A young Black child turned to her mother:

“Mom, aren’t we all of those things?”

Her mother replied:

“Nope. Today, we are Schvartzes.

Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?

A Hasidic Jew walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

An employee drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, “We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The Hasidic Jew replied, “Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?”

Charedi Air

In view of El Al’ s handling of the recent unfortunate situation of potentially having aircraft and passengers stranded on Erev Shabbat in the aftermath of a general strike in Israel, we propose that a new Charedi airline should now be established offering the following facilities:

  • Strict pre flight passenger religious profiling. Booking available through Haimishe Travel Agents only, positively no internet booking or check in facilities. No airport (or any other) taxes.
  • Flexible departure times, Magen Avraham, Gra, Rabbenu Tam etc.
  •  Exclusive Platinum check in desk for all passengers. Continue reading Charedi Air