The Jewish father warned his son against marrying a shiksa [non-Jewish woman]. The son replied,
“But she’s converting to Judaism.”
“It doesn’t matter,” the old man said. “A shiksa will cause problems.”

After the wedding, the father called the son, who was in business with him, and asked him why he was not at work.
“It’s Shabbat,” the son replied.
The father was surprised: “But we always work on Saturday. It’s our busiest day.”
“I won’t work anymore on Saturday,” the son insisted, “because my wife wants us to go to shul on Shabbat.”
“See,” the father says. “I told you marrying a shiksa would cause problems.”

Sammy has stolen the rabbi’s gold watch.

He didn’t feel too good about it, so he decided, after a sleepless night to go to the rabbi.

‘Rabbi, I stole a gold watch.’
‘But Sammy! That’s forbidden! You should return it immediately!’
‘What shall I do?’
‘Give it back to the owner.’
‘Do you want it?’
‘No, I said return it to its owner.’
‘But he doesn’t want it.’
‘In that case, you can keep it.’

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there’s another one here. Ah…that one does work…

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly,
he burst into the kitchen.
– “Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some
more butter! Oh my G-D! You’re cooking too many at once! TOO MANY! Turn
them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter!”
– “WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They’re going to STICK! Are they burning? BURNING! Careful. CAREFUL! I said, be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never!”
“Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t
forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the
salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT! Oh! NO! Too much! Too much salt!”

The wife stared at him, “What in the world is wrong with you? You think
I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels
like when I’m driving.”

Three Saudis are sitting in a restaurant having dinner and trying to
decide where to go for vacation.
The 1st Saudi says: “Let’s go to Jerusalem.”
The 2nd Saudi says: “No, there are too many Jews there, maybe we
should go to Florida.” The 3rd Saudi says: “No, there are too many Jews there, too. Let’s go to New York.”
The 1st Saudi whines: “No, there are far too many Jews there.”
A little old lady sitting at the next table leans over
and says: “Vell, vy don’t you go to hell, there are no Jews there.”

Rifka and Beckie were talking about their children.

Rifka asked Beckie how her daughter was.

“Not too good. My daughter just divorced her husband. He was a doctor.”

Rifka replied: “Oh, I am so sorry to hear that.”

Beckie continued: “Yes, it is sad. Her first husband, whom she divorced three years ago, was a dentist. But she is OK now, she is dating a handsome lawyer.”

“A dentist, a doctor and a lawyer, “Rifka exclaimed, “OY VEY! All this Naches from just one daughter!”

“Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”

The rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”

The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”

The rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”

The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?”

The rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”

A week later the rabbi calls the man and says, “Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?”

The man anxiously says, “Yes.”

“Take the poison,” says the rabbi.

Four Jewish brothers left home for college. They became successful doctors and lawyers, and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having
dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, “I had a big house built for Mama.”

The second said, “I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house.”

The third said, “I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600 with chauffeur.”

The fourth said, “Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Torah.

Moreover, you know, too, she cannot read anymore because she cannot see very well.

I met this Rabbi who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Torah.
It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the temple. Let me tell you… it was
worth it. All Mama has to do is name a chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.”

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays, Mom sent out her Thank You notes.
She wrote:

Allen, The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.

Joshua, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes…and the driver you hired is a Nazi. The
thought was good. Thanks.

Elliot, you give me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I’ve lost my hearing and I’m nearly
blind. I will never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.

Dearest David, You were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you.

Four novice nuns were about to take their vows. Dressed in their white gowns, they came into the chapel with the mother superior, and were about to undergo the ceremony to marry them to jesus, making them brides of christ.

Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four young Hasidic Jews with black
hats and scruffy beards came in and sat in the front row.

The mother superior said to them, “I am honored that you would want to share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you came?”

One of the Jews replied, “We’re from the groom’s side.”

The Israelis and Arabs finally realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the world.

So they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with a dogfight.
The negotiators agreed that each country would take five years to develop the best fighting dog they could.

The dog that won the fight would earn its country the right to rule the disputed areas.

The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the
meanest Siberian wolves.

They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy from each litter, killed all the other puppies and fed them the best food. They used steroids and
trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine.

After the five years were up, they had a dog that needed iron prison bars on its cage. Only the trainers could handle this beast. When the day of the
big fight arrived, the Israelis showed up with a strange animal.

It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Israelis. No one else thought this weird animal stood a chance against the growling
beast in the Arab camp.

The bookies predicted the Arabs would win in less than a minute. The cages were opened. The Dachshund waddled toward the center of the ring.

The Arab dog leapt from his cage and charged the giant wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and
swallowed the Arab beast in one bite.

There was nothing left but a small bit of fur from the killer dog’s tail.
The Arabs approached the Israelis, shaking their heads in disbelief. “We do not understand. Our top scientists and breeders worked
for five years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans and Rottweilers. They developed a killing machine.” “Really?” the Israelis replied. “We had
our top plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund!”