A Jewish man was in a supermarket in Thornhill, Ontario. He saw a black woman trying to get her young child to put down a candy bar he had picked off the shelf.
“Latrell, you put that down! It’s not kosher!”
Intrigued, the young man decided to investigate. “Excuse me, ma’am, are you Jewish?”
“No.”
“So why did you say that?”
“Why? I’ll tell you why. ‘Cuz I see all them Jewish mothers saying that to their kids — and it works, so I decided to try it.”
A rabbi meets a couple and asks them how many children they have.
“Sadly we are not blessed with any children yet.”
“Let me write down your names and place a note in the Kotel for a blessing.”
Five years later he meets the women again and asks,
“So how is the family?”
“Well rabbi, we were blessed with 10 children; two sets of twins and two sets of triplets.”
“Amazing! I would like to congratulate your husband. Where is he?”
“He is in Israel.” She replies
“What is he doing there?”
“Trying to find that note you placed in the wall.”
The President of Iran was wondering who to invade when his telephone rang.
“This is Mendel in Tel Aviv. We’re officially declaring war on you!”
“How big is your army?” the president asked.
“There’s me, my cousin Moishe, and our pinochle team!”
“I have a million in my army,” said the president.
“I’ll call back!” said Mendel.
The next day he called. “The var’s still on! We have now a bulldozer, Goldblatt’s tractor. plus the canasta team!”
I have 16,000 tanks, and my army is now two million.”
“Oy gevalt,” said Mendel. “I’ll call back.”
He phoned the next day. “We’re calling off the var.”
“Why?” asked the president.
“Well,” said Mendel, “we’ve all had a little chat, and there’s no way we can feed two million prisoners.”
The year is 2016 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb. She calls up her mother a few weeks after election day and says, “So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration.
“I don’t think so. It’s a ten hour drive, your father isn’t as young as he used to be, and please my arthritis is acting up again.”
“Don’t worry about it Mom, I’ll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.”
“I don’t know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?”
“Oh Mom” replies Susan, “I’ll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York ”
“Honey,” Mom complains, “you know I can’t eat the fancy foods that you and your friends like to eat.”
The President-to-be responds, “Don’t worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York! , kosher all the way. Please, Mom, I really want you to come.”
So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 21, 2017, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States.
In the front row sits the new president’s mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her.
“You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?”
The Senator whispers back, “Yes, I do.”
Says Mom proudly, “Her brother is a doctor.”
Moishe, a Jewish actor is so down and out, he’s ready to take any acting gig that he can find. Finally, he gets a lead, a classified ad that says, “Actor needed to play an ape.”
“I could do that,” says Moishe.
To his surprise, the employer turns out to be the Central Park Zoo in New York. Owing to the mismanagement, the zoo has spent so much money renovating the grounds and improving the habitat, they can no longer afford to import the ape to replace the recently deceased one, so, until they can, they’ll put an actor in an ape suit. Out of desperation, Moishe takes the offer.
At first, his conscience keeps nagging him, that he is being dishonest by fooling the zoo-goers. Moishe also feels undignified in the ape suit, stared at by the crowds who watch his every move. But after a few days on the job, he begins to enjoy all the attention and starts to put on a show for all the zoo-goers.
Moishe hangs upside down from the branches by his legs, swinging about on the vines, climbing up the cage walls and roaring with all his might, while beating on his chest. Soon, he’s drawing a sizable crowd.
One day, when Moishe is swing on the vines to show off to a group of school kids, his hand slips and he goes flying over the fence into the neighboring cage, the lion’s den.
Terrified, Moishe backs up as far from the approaching lion as he can, covers his eyes with his paws and prays at the top of his lungs, “Shema Yisroel Ad-noi Elo-einu, Ad-noi Echod!”
The lion opens his powerful jaws and roars the response, “Boruch Shem K’vod Malchuso L’olam Vo’ed”
From a nearby cage, a panda yells, “Shut up you schmucks, you’ll get us all fired!”
A Gabbai approaches a guest in the Shul and says:
“I want to give you an Aliyah. “What is your name,” he asks the man?
The man answers, “Sara bat Moshe.”
The Gabbai says, “No, I need YOUR name.”
The man says, “It is Sara bat Moshe.”
The Gabbai asks, “How can that be your name?”
The man answers “I’ve been having serious financial problems, so everything is in my wife’s name.
A teacher asked her students what religious objects they had in their
homes.
One boy answered, ‘We have a picture of a woman with a halo holding a
baby and every day my mother kneels in front of it.’
The next little boy said, ‘We have a brass statue of a man seated with crossed legs and a Chinese face, and every day my parents burn an incense stick before it.’
Then a third boy piped up: ‘In the bathroom we have a little platform with
numbers on it. Every day my mother stands on it first thing in the morning
and screams, ‘OH MY G-D!!!’
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license.
First, of course, he had t o take an eye sight test. The optician showed
him a card with the letters:
‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’
‘Can you read this?’ the optician asked.
‘Read it?’ the Polish guy replied, ‘I know the guy.’
A biker was riding by the zoo, when he saw a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabbed her by the cuff of her jacket and tried to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumped off his bike, ran to the cage and hit the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumped back and let go of the girl. The biker then took her to her terrified parents, who thanked him endlessly.
A reporter saw the whole scene, and addressing the biker, said, ‘Sir, this was the most brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.’
‘Why, it was nothing,’ said the biker, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.’
‘I noticed a patch on your jacket,’ said the journalist.
‘Yeah, I ride with an Israeli motorcycle club,’ the biker replied.
‘Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist with the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow’s papers will have this on the front page.’
The following morning the biker bought the paper to see if it indeed brought out the news of his actions.
On the front page was the headline:
‘ISRAELI GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH’
A little girl asked her mother, “Mommy, How did the human race come about?”
The mother answered: “Well my dear, God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made.”
Two days later she asks her father the same question.
The father answered: “Well sugar, many years ago there were monkeys, and we evolved from them.”
The confused girl returns to her mother and says: “Mommy, how is it that you told me that the human race was created by God and Daddy says we came from monkeys?”
The mother answers: “Well sweetie, it’s very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side.”