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Tag: humor

  • Reluctant to Attend the Synagogue

    On the morning of Rosh Hashanah, Rivka went into the bedroom to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready to go to shul, to which he replied in a dull voice,

    ‘I’m not going.’

    ‘Why not?’ Rivka demanded.

    ‘l’ll give you two good reasons Mother,’ he said. ‘One, they don’t like me, and two, I don’t like them.’

    Rivaka replied in an exasperated voice, ‘I’ll give you two good reasons why you must go to the synagogue. ‘One, you’re 54 years old, and two, you’re the Rabbi.’

    (Source: The European Synagogue Ohel Eliezer, www.theshul.eu – Weekly E-letter, Vol.VI No.49 – | Elul 24, 5773 / August 30, 2013)

  • ניקוי פסח בחדר המחשב

    זה היה קצת לפני פסח, התיישבתי ליד המחשב עם צלחת עוגיות ואז אמא נכנסה לחדר עם מטאטא ביד… זהו דוקטור, זה כל מה שאני זוכר

  • The World Famous story of Purim

    (by Meish Goldish)
    The story of Purim is an international tale.

    King Achashverosh was Finnish with his disobedient wife Vashti.
    ” You Congo now!” he ordered her. After she had Ghana way, the king’s messengers went Roman the land to find a new queen.
    Iran around all over and India end, the beautiful Esther won the crown.

    Meanwhile, Mordechai sat outside the palace, where the Chile Haman would Czech up on him daily.

    “I Haiti you because you refuse to bow to me!” Haman scolded Mordechai.
    ” USA very stubborn man. You Jews are such Bahamas! If you keep this up, Denmark my words! I will have all your people killed!
    Just Kuwait and see, you Turkey! ”

    Mordechai went into mourning and tore his clothes–a custom known as Korea.
    He urged Esther to plead with the king.
    The Jews fasted for three days and grew very Hungary.
    Esther approached the king and asked, ‘Kenya Belize come to a banquet I’ve prepared for you and Haman?”
    At the feast, she invited her guests to a second banquet to eat Samoa.

    The king asked, “Esther, why Jamaica big meal like this? Just tell me what you want. Up to half my United Kingdom will I give you.”
    Esther replied, “Spain full for me to say this, but Haman is Russian to kill my people.”

    Haman’s loud Wales could be heard as he carried Honduran this scene.
    ” Oman!” Haman cried bitterly. “Iraq my brains in an effort to destroy the Jews.
    But that sneaky Mordechai – Egypt me! ”

    Haman and his ten sons were hanged and went immediately to the Netherlands.
    And to Sweden the deal, the Jews were allowed to Polish off the rest of their foes as well.
    ” You lost your enemies and Uganda friend,” the king smiled.

    And that is why the Purim story Israeli a miracle. G-d decided to China light on His chosen people.

    So now, let’s celebrate! Forget all your Syria’s business and just be happy! Serb up some wine and Taiwan on! Happy Purim!!!

  • Mealtime on El Al

    It was mealtime during a flight on El Al.
    “Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked Moishe, seated in front.
    “What are my choices?” Moishe asked.
    “Yes or no,” she replied.

  • It’s a pleasure to read all this!

    Moshe was riding on the subway reading a neo-Nazi newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader and demanded an explanation I used to read the Jewish newspaper, Moshe replied, ‘but what did I find? Jews are being persecuted,
    Israel is being attacked, Jews are disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, and Jews are living in poverty. So I switched to this newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better It’s a pleasure to read all this!”

  • Sign your name

    A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: ‘idiot’. At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, ‘I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name… and forgot to write a letter.

  • Oy

    Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow ‘Oy.’ The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow ‘Oy.’ The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, ‘Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren’t going to talk about our children’

  • Mystery

    One of life’s greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn’t good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.

  • It’s on the Mommy Test

    I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter.
    She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
    I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
    “Why?” my daughter asked.
    “Because it’s been on the ground, you don’t know where it’s been, it’s
    dirty and probably has germs” I replied.
    At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked:
    “Mommy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.”
    I was thinking quickly.
    “All moms know this stuff. It’s on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mommy.”
    We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
    pondering this new information.
    “OH…I get it!” she beamed,
    “So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the daddy.”
    “Exactly” I replied back with a big smile on my face

  • Little Jonah sobbed all the way home

    After the circumcising of his baby brother in shul, little Jonah sobbed
    all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three
    times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied,

    “That rabbi said he wanted us brought up in A Jewish home and I want to stay with you guys!”